This is the last chapter from my book, posted after Lynda Geller from Spectrum Services in New Youk City liked this part of my book the best.
Coping Strategies
When I started this project I could hardly wait to get done
with my life story so I could start giving advice. Now, a year later, and after listening to the
stories and problems of so many others, I don’t want to advise anyone on what
they should do, but I would like to share the ways I learned to cope as an
undiagnosed Aspie in case they might be of help to others.
One Best Girlfriend
A definite pattern I noticed, and one that was in the list
of characteristics of Aspergirls, different from the boys, was the tendency to
have one best female friend to help get through the social morass of life. I would try this with husbands and
boyfriends, but it wasn’t the same, though it did work for providing me a
social life.
The downside to my best woman friend would be when we would
break up and end the friendship, usually because she became tired of some of my
behavioral characteristics and conversational abilities, or interference from
either side by lovers. The despair of
losing my best friend would be equal to or more than losing my lover, spiraling
me into months of depression.
The last time was when I learned about Asperger’s, and it took
me over six months to recover. I gave up
friends for awhile, but now have a friend I do things with. It is just too hard to have no one to help
me. I explain about my Asperger’s now
and friends have to accept me and my conversational skills, or I don’t want
them as friends.
Volunteering for Events
This has been an enormous help to me. When I go to an event by myself I just feel
lonely. When I volunteer to help at an
event not only do I get in free, but there is a sense of belonging and people I
am forced to talk to. Volunteering is
better than paid jobs for me as the stress and pressure is much lower and I
feel I can just do what I can, and not have to worry about being better.
Follow Your Passions
I read in one book that you should discourage your Aspie
child’s passions before they become too consuming and interfere with normal
childhood social life. I became angry
when I read that. My passions are where
I find my friends and they help me have interesting conversations. Often Aspie children get along better with
adults and I think that can be okay.
Finding a group of people who have the same passions is exciting.
I find most of my friends in groups I share my passions
with. My lauhala weaving club and my
hula classes help me meet people. Now I
have a small writers’ group I meet with once a week, and these people are new
and welcome additions to my social circle.
Alternative Social Groups
I listen to other Aspies on my Facebook groups who are
worried about not fitting in to their culture.
I feel I was lucky that I discovered the hippies in my teenage years and
since then have lived around others on the fringes of society where there is a
wider definition of acceptable behavior.
I’ve lived the last twenty-five years in neighborhoods where
we were far from “normal” and have gotten used to the freedom to be
myself. The San Juan Ridge was a
wonderful place for me to live and raise my children. Now I live in lower Puna where we call
ourselves Punatics and have bumper stickers reading, “Why Be Normal?” and
“We’re All Here Because We’re Not All There.”
Celebrate Diversity.
Socially Accepted Stimming
Before I heard of Asperger’s I had never heard of
stimming. This is repetitive body
movements autistic people do for comfort and to de-stress situations. As a child I would move my fingers in circles
round each other and fondle the satin edges of my blankets. These behaviors along with finger sucking
long past babyhood annoyed my mother, and she would slap my hands if she caught
me doing any of these things, so I learned to stop when I could hear her
coming, or if she was in the same room with me.
I talked to another possible Aspie adult friend whose mother did the
same thing to her for her hand movements, and because we both experienced
pleasure and relaxation from them, we both got it confused in our childhood
minds with masturbation, which also included repetitive hand movements,
pleasure, and relaxation. We could laugh
about it as adults, but still couldn’t understand why our mothers had been so
against it.
As an adult I found myself flapping or vibrating my hands
when stressed. I would mostly do it when
other people weren’t looking or when walking by myself or dancing. I rationalized the behavior as getting extra
electricity out of my body, and I still think that might be a valid
conclusion. One of my personal theories
is that Aspies have more electricity in their bodies (scientific fact, everyone
has electricity in their bodies, and the DNA molecules in every cell generate
an electric charge) than most other people, which also accounts for our minds
working so fast and thinking thinking thinking thinking all the time.
My favorite form of socially accepted stimming is wild and
crazy dancing to a heavy beat. Unlike some Aspies who can’t be around loud and
booming music, I find it relaxing. Out
there jazzy music with no melody and no definable beat has caused panic attacks
listening to it when I’m already stressed, and is uncomfortable for me to
listen to and can send me into depression even if I’m feeling happy. If I am depressed or stressed or even
grieving I can pull myself out by dancing wildly to music with a good beat.
My son has the same love of loud booming music, and
introduced me to dance techno which I love.
He used to have a car with loud bass speakers behind the back seat that
could rattle the jars on the shelves at Mother Trucker’s Market when he was
parked outside. I loved to sit in the
back seat and feel the vibrations through my body.
Eric went through his headbanger stage as a teenager where
he would throw himself against walls while dancing. Socially acceptable headbanging. I would be disapproving of it as a mother
when he would do it at home because mothers are supposed to be disapproving of
that.
There is that saying, “Dance like no one is watching,” and
ever since I discovered dancing by myself without a partner that is the way I
have danced. Now, if I try to dance with
a partner I feel restricted, just dancing with one person instead of the whole
world, though I can dance and flirt with one person for a short time until I
dance off. I can be the first person
dancing and inspire more people to get up and dance. Bands love me for this. They love wild crazy dancers.
I was lucky living in Nevada County and the San Juan Ridge
where this was the accepted way of dancing.
Now I am lucky living next to Kalani Honua where every Sunday there is
Ecstatic Dance where EVERYONE dances wild and crazy and there is NO TALKING
ALLOWED! I don’t go every week any more
but just knowing it is always there for me is comforting.
I can also just plug my iPod earplugs in and dance by myself
in my kitchen or bedroom, or out in the empty street. No one really is watching then. Works better than organized aerobics as an
exercise practice for me.
Meditation and Yoga
I’ve written about how Zen meditation saved both Eric’s and
my lives. It isn’t important what kind
of meditation you do. Yoga can be good
for getting your body involved and keeping moving, especially Vinyasa Yoga,
which is way too fast for me, but wonderful for others.
Walking meditation is another common practice, and Thich
Nhat Hahn uses it in his retreats and teaching.
Chanting and singing Kirtan, a Hindu practice of singing songs to deity,
are also ways of stilling the mind.
I personally appreciate Buddhism for its lack of a spiritual
deity, and emphasis on doing and experiencing, and lack of dogma. In conversations online I have noticed many
Aspies having trouble with dogma and a God that doesn’t make sense or isn’t
logical. Buddhism is not a religion but
a pathway with signposts and fellow travelers.
There are many forms for individual preferences, with no one saying
their way is the best for everyone, or the only way.
I feel that Aspies can use some way to learn to quiet their
minds. We seem to have overactive minds
that lead to overthinking and anxiety.
Biofeedback is being tried now for Asperger’s in children and
adults. I find if I sit quietly for a
half hour each morning the day is just better and I am a more relaxed
person. I meditate now, not because I
should, but because it works.
Diet and Exercise
Even on my Facebook groups, diet and exercise are
recommended by many as ways for Aspies to adjust better to life.
I had severe trouble with artificial flavorings and
colorings, nitrates, milk, and chocolate in childhood. Now it seems like my body knew what was good
for it but over the years I have managed to overcome this.
When Eric was a baby I was deep into my whole foods and no
sugar lifestyle. I would use honey, but
since it was so expensive I didn’t use much.
Later I decided not overdosing Eric on sugar when he was a baby caused
his trouble with it as an older child, but now I think it might have been part
of his Aspie sensitivities. Sugar was
like a drug to him, causing hyperactivity, anxiety, and bouncing off the walls.
In high school he discovered espresso and lattes, and they
were heavy drugs for him. Once he
discovered dehydration on bicycle rides as a drug and I wondered why he
couldn’t just do alcohol and pot like normal children.
At one point in junior high school he was eating only milk,
oatmeal, and bananas. I understand now
this was part of the Aspie tendency to avoid some foods and eat only a few
certain things. It wasn’t enough to keep
him healthy, however, and when he started suffering from disabling abdominal
cramps I took him to the Ridge medical clinic where the nurse explained that
eating only white foods did not provide the proper nutrition to maintain a
healthy body.
One time in high school he was in the Community Endeavor
newspaper office when a staff member’s son explained why a vegan diet was
important if you cared about animals.
Eric decided to become a vegan in that moment and I had to go out and
buy all new food for us to eat.
Now I find that my own mental health is tied to my eating
habits. And in both directions. Eating no vegetables, too much sugar, fats,
and white flour makes me depressed, but when depressed that is all I want to
eat.
Exercise is essential for me to sleep well, and also to keep
from being depressed and nervous. Fortunately I love to walk, and now with iPods
and earbuds I can just plug into my favorite dance music and dance alone at
home without bothering anyone. Music
changes my mood and makes me happy, but it is another thing I will ignore doing
when depressed. If I am alone enough to
sing to the music I get even happier. I
started hula dancing to keep from thinking about my own problems, and now look
forward to Friday afternoons when I can sing and dance and let joy enter my
body.
Menopause and Hormones
It is becoming more widely known that many Aspies are
sensitive to hormones. There has been
quite a lot written about Aspergirls and menarche and what a trying time that
can be. As more diagnosed Aspie women
enter menopause that will be written about more, but for now it is still an
almost unresearched subject.
I went crazy when I was young trying to take hormone birth
control pills, and during menopause my nurse practitioner, even before knowing
about Asperger’s, noticed that I seemed to be very sensitive to hormones. I decided to just go cold turkey through
menopause, not even doing many herbal remedies, and I quit all phyto-estrogen
foods and herbs, such as raspberry leaf, dong quai, and soy products because
they would start me bleeding all over again, when all I wanted to do was stop.
I had intense hot flashes for years, and when alone I would
throw off all my clothes and stand naked.
I would just wear a sarong in the summer so I could do that easily. I was afraid to go out in public in case I
would forget and strip down to underwear.
If I was wearing any. In the
winter I would go outside barefoot and stand on cold cement or snow to balance
out my temperature. This was the only
way I could visit relatives who expected me to stay fully clothed at all
times. I buzzed my hair one day because
I was taking two or three cold showers a day, and spending a half hour each
time combing out the tangles took too much time out of my life. I had to get my head wet to get relief.
I would cry at a moments’ notice, if anyone said even the
least little negative thing to me. I was
embarrassed to go out also because of this tendency. I had the same trouble in pregnancy. I would also get angrier easier than I do now
or did before. I thought this was the
way I would be forever, and depression was also a companion to me.
The good news is that it finally ended. I still get some hot flashes, but not the
disabling ones I used to have, and my mood swings are slower these days. My breasts aren’t so tender that they hurt to
be touched, and I finally stopped bleeding altogether. Hallelujah!
Now I look at sanitary napkins and tampons when I see them as some sort
of odd thing I used in another life. I
enjoy that part.
Reading Murder Mysteries
I tell my friends that everything I learned about social
behavior I learned from murder mysteries.
While that isn’t exactly true, I do find murder mysteries helpful in
charting my way through proper social behavior.
I know you should bring food to houses after people die. I learn what normal people think other people
should look like, even if I don’t want to look like that myself. I learn what behavior is expected if you want
to appear normal. I even get to learn
what psychopaths think about.
Murder mysteries, especially the low key and humorous ones
with women amateur sleuths, the ones I like to read, rely on reading the
behavior and motives of all the possible suspects. I learn what makes people do things, and what
they are thinking. Sometimes this comes
in handy in real life. I can look at
people and wonder what character they would be if they were in a novel. I have trouble writing fiction, but reading
it helps me through life.
Forgive Everyone Everything
And then do it again, and again, and again…It is easy for
Aspies to get frustrated with other people’s behavior and words. Getting angry and not forgiving them only
causes pain for ourselves. If we want
others to accept us the way we are, it means also accepting others with all of
their faults and idiosyncrasies too.
This doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them forever, it is fine in
my opinion to just quit associating with people who don’t make you feel good about
yourself, but holding on to anger and resentment does them no harm, just
yourself. Forgiveness is a very selfish
thing; you are the one who benefits the most.
As in the expression: “It’s like drinking poison, and expecting the
other person to die.” Forgiveness is not
condoning the other person’s actions, it is freeing yourself.
